A Brief History On Perfectionism
Perfectionism gets praised a lot in our culture. You're seen as responsible, dependable, driven… the list goes on and on. You rarely drop the ball, which makes you the go-to person to lean on. The high-functioning pace you use to navigate life serves you well… until it doesn’t. What most people don’t see is how exhausting it is, how much pressure you carry quietly, and how often you feel like you're one misstep away from it all falling apart.
I invite you to consider a pivot in the perception of perfectionism: Perfectionism isn’t about being your best. It’s about trying to feel safe.
Where Perfectionism Comes From… It’s Not Just “High Standards”
Most perfectionists didn’t just wake up one day and decide to be this way. Oftentimes, these traits form during our childhood in spaces that were emotionally inconsistent, critical, judgmental, or closeted chaos. Your face card never would have made people think twice, but you knew the truth.
You might have had caregivers/people of authority in your life who:
Praised you only when you achieved something
Expected you to “keep it together” while everyone else fell apart
Dismissed your emotions or made you feel like a burden when you expressed them
Withheld affection unless you were performing or behaving the “right” way
Didn’t show much vulnerability themselves, so it normalized not acknowledging any “bad” feelings
In these kinds of environments, perfectionism becomes more than a coping mechanism—it replaces your identity and becomes how you survive.
The Emotional Logic Behind Perfectionism
Do you align with this logic?
“If I’m flawless, I’ll be loved.”
“If I make a mistake, I’ll lose everything.”
“If I’m good enough, I won’t ever feel pain.”
“If I take care of them, they won’t see I am flawed.”
“If I don’t show emotion, I can’t be hurt.”
“If I don’t work harder than everyone else, I’ll be left behind.”
You could probably write a short novel of perfectionistic logic because, like other harmful inner logic, it’s never-ending. Remember when I asked you to consider a different perspective on perfectionism? Here’s one way it comes into play. It’s not just about avoiding failure or making mistakes—it’s about protecting yourself from shame, rejection, or abandonment. And while your logical brain may know that’s not true anymore, your nervous system still reacts like it is.
What Perfectionism Looks Like in Real Life
High-functioning characteristics on the outside help your perfectionism pass without the slightest question from others. However, perfectionism quietly runs the show. It’s as if you’re walking on a tight rope without a safety net underneath. Here are some ways perfectionism can show up in one’s life:
You overthink emails, texts, or social posts
You freeze when starting new projects unless you’re sure you’ll excel
You take on more than you should because you hate letting people down
You feel guilty resting or not being “productive.”
You appear composed but feel emotionally shut off or distant from yourself
A 5-minute response to a client takes you hours because you have to find the “right” wording
Trying to surprise your spouse with their favorite candy? It has to be the “perfect” amount, or they won’t think it’s enough
Procrastination is masked as “not ready yet.”
Avoiding relationships or intimacy unless you feel “worthy”
Seeking control to avoid emotional chaos
Extremely belittling inner critic
Along with these things, emotional avoidance is often experienced. Many perfectionists don’t just avoid emotions, they disconnect from them entirely. Ever heard of the saying, “Suppressing an emotion a day, keeps the doctor away?” No? Good, because it doesn’t exist. However, to a perfectionist, it might be. Here’s how emotional avoidance might show up in your nervous system:
Physical tension, gut issues, headaches
Numbness or difficulty identifying how you feel
Irritability that seems to come from nowhere
Shame when you do experience emotions
If feelings were dismissed, punished, or ignored growing up, your body learned that detachment was safer than expression. Your sympathetic state (fight/flight) drives the doing, overthinking, and constant worry about being enough. Your dorsal vagal state (shutdown) shows up as procrastination, burnout, or emotional numbness when the pressure gets too overwhelming. True healing involves supporting the ventral vagal state, where we feel safe enough to be imperfect, connected, and self-compassionate.
Myth: The Path to Healing Is About Doing Less
Fact: It's About Feeling Safe And Adjusting Your Expectations
In therapy, we’re not trying to erase your drive or ambition. If anything, we’re trying to explore and identify:
Why the perfectionism form and where did it begin its roots
What it’s been protecting you from
How to safely reconnect with your emotions and needs
What self-worth can feel like when it’s no longer tied to output
How to interweave your ambition, drive, and imperfections
Therapy helps you slowly build internal safety so you no longer need perfectionism as your shield.
You Are Not Broken—You’re Just Burnt Out From Surviving
I need you to know that you’re not too much. You’re not failing. You’re not lazy. You’re exhausted from living in a constant state of emotional hyper-vigilance. You don’t have to earn love. You don’t have to prove your worth.
You’re already enough—all aspects of you.
Perfectionism may have helped you stay afloat, and there is room to appreciate that. However, it’s okay to loosen the grip. You can be ambitious and rested. Driven and human.
Ready to Let Go of the Pressure?
If something in this spoke to you, you’re tired of performing and ready to explore who you are underneath the pressure— let’s talk! Therapy doesn’t have to be polished. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to start.
