When You Don’t Feel Good Enough: The Quiet Toll of Low Self-Esteem
You’ve done everything right, worked so hard, achieved what others said you couldn’t, and built a life that looks solid from the outside. People come to you for help, rely on your insight, and see you as competent. To the outside world, you have everything they desperately want.
But under all that capability? You’re constantly questioning yourself. Doubt starts feeling like a warm blanket you don’t want to escape from. You play mental Tetris to keep up with the pressure from both others and yourself. You replay conversations in your head. You wonder if you were “too much.” Next thing you know, you’re combing through your emails to re-read for anything you might have missed. You struggle to believe compliments and often assume people are just being polite. And no matter how much you do, what all you’ve accomplished, you feel like it’s not enough…. or that you’re not enough.
This is the quiet toll of low self-esteem that hides in plain sight.
The Hidden Side of Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem doesn’t always look like self-pity, sadness, or strictly sad pop punk playlists (I’ll admit I used to be a big Sleeping With Sirens fan). It can also resemble perfectionism, over-functioning, hyper-dependence, and difficulty asking for/accepting support.
You might:
Downplay your strengths because they never feel like “enough to acknowledge” or “close” to perfect, but missing the mark
Question your worth when you’re not being productive or helpful
Avoid vulnerability because you’re afraid it’ll confirm what you secretly believe about yourself
Stay busy constantly, because slowing down means you’d have to sit with feelings you’ve been avoiding
Stay in the shadows to not drawing attention to yourself out of concern that others may judge you
You’ve built a version of yourself that’s capable and composed– congratulations! However, I want you to consider what happens underneath when you feel undeserving of taking up space. What shows up for you? How is that benefiting you?
Where Did This Belief Come From?
These beliefs didn’t attach to you upon taking your first breath. You were too busy looking around, trying to figure out who was who and why everyone was smiling at you. These beliefs attach as you age. A form of sharpening comes from our environment and your circle of trusted loved ones. Often, the belief is sharpened in subtle ways.
Maybe you were raised in a home where:
Praise was tied to performance. This study found that children who perceive affection and validation contingent upon their achievements may develop perfectionistic tendencies. This conditional approval can instill a belief that they must continually excel to be worthy of love and acceptance.
Your emotions were ignored, mocked, or punished
Love felt conditional, something you had to earn and wasn’t given freely
You became the caregiver too early, learning to meet others’ needs while ignoring your own
Your needs were constantly denied, which caused you to question if your needs even mattered
Every need was met transactionally, so you learned that it’s not okay to desire more emotional connection
Over time, this message was internalized: “If I’m good, quiet, helpful, responsible, not a problem or impressive—I’m safe” or “If I’m messy, emotional, needy, too demanding or imperfect—I’m not.”
What can be hard to recognize is that these beliefs follow you. They hide in the curtains during your high school baseball practice or your quarterly check-in with your boss. They await their turn to run on stage and steal the limelight… which often drags you down in the process.
What Low Self-Esteem Can Look Like in Everyday Life
Fast forward to adulthood, here’s how it might look now:
You constantly apologize even when you’re not at fault
Compliments make you uncomfortable
You assume others are annoyed with you or disappointed
You replay texts or conversations, afraid you said the wrong thing
You worry you’re either “too much” or “not enough,” depending on the day
You minimize your pain because “other people have it “worse.”
You say yes when you want to say no, afraid of being seen as difficult
You put others’ needs above your own out of habit, but find your own needs getting put on the back burner
You overcommit because that’s what "likable” people
The list can go on forever. It’s not that you’re unaware of your talents or intelligence. It’s that you don’t feel them. And that disconnection runs deep.
This Isn’t About Confidence… It’s About Survival
Confidence is situational. If you learned how to make a grilled cheese and those are the only ingredients in your pantry, you’re going to feel confident in knowing how to make a grilled cheese.
But self-esteem? That’s internal. It’s how we value and perceive ourselves. It’s the steady sense of I’m allowed to be here. I’m enough—even when I’m not performing. You’re allowed to be yourself and make mistakes. For many of us, that foundation is missing. Not because you’re broken, but because they were never taught how to build it.
What Healing Can Look Like
You don’t need to “fix” yourself, you need to meet the parts of you that feel unworthy with understanding, not criticism.
Here are ways we look at this in therapy:
We trace where the belief of “not enough” came from. Is it from your childhood? When you made a C in college? We start untangling the thought to see what the truth is or where we might be wounded.
We interrupt your inner critic and get curious about what it’s trying to protect. This part can be tricky because we want to show that inner critic respect while also challenging it. Think of this as an intense Waltz number.
We learn how to sit with our emotions instead of bypassing them. I’ll be the first one to say it’s extremely tempting to make a U-turn when some emotions start to surface. Sadly, what that is doing is telling yourself, “I’m not worthy of feeling my emotions,” and you deny yourself the chance to explore what they are trying to tell you.
We build a self-worth that isn’t tied to performance, approval, or perfection. I know you may not believe me… but a worth tied to your internal qualities and values mitigates a lot of suffering.
Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never doubt yourself again. It means when the doubt shows up, it doesn’t run the show.
The story that says you're not enough? It didn’t start with you.
It started generations ago, through unspoken rules, from people who couldn’t fully see or support you.
Here’s some hopeful news: You’re allowed to change the narrative. You’re allowed to build a new relationship with yourself. You don’t have to keep proving your worth. You already have it.
Let’s Rebuild Your Self-Worth From the Inside Out
I see you trying your best, and I want you to know you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Low self-esteem doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’ve been strong for too long in an environment that didn’t make room for your full self. It’s like a car that has been running on E for way too long. Everything starts slowly falling apart, and then we’re stuck on the side of the road waiting for AAA.
Therapy can help you reconnect with the parts of you that feel lost, small, or ashamed—and offer them something they never got: compassion. I want to meet you where you’re at and help you get to where you’d like to go. You don’t need to earn rest. You don’t need to hustle for belonging.
You’re allowed to feel enough, right now, exactly as you are.
